You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
