Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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