I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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