3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
