I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
