i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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