everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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