she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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