Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
