I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
It's official drugs can't kill me
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
