do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
