her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize