thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
When are your genitals available?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
