He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
