The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
