Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
