i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize