you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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