Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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