I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
