He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
My ass is underappreciated
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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