My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Randomize
