I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Vodka?
Forever.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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