even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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