I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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