You smell like a Billy Joel song
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
