Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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