It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
