Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize