in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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