i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
