kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Pants are for mortals
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
