two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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