Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
