Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize