I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
