let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Randomize
