My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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