I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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