Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
