Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
