Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
