This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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