somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
