this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
