Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
