Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
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