I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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