It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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