shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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