I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
