He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Randomize
