i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
