"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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