John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
