I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
