Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
