I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Success! We fucked roommates!
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
