OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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