Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
